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We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.


 

 

 

He made a lovely job of the landing.....

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1 hour ago, ger intae them said:

We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.


 

 

 

He made a lovely job of the landing.....

🤦‍♂️😄

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2 hours ago, ger intae them said:

We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.


 

 

 

He made a lovely job of the landing.....

I'm going to borrow that one 😄

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Image

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

“With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...... 

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

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A man goes to his psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you've got to help me," he says. "I keep thinking that I'm a well-known psychoanalyst."
"How long has this been going on?" asks the shrink.
"Well," the man replies, "it all started when I was Jung..."

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Reminds me of another old joke.....
Guy goes to psychiatrist and says " Dr I think I'm a dog"
Dr says " how long have you felt like this?"

Guy replies : "ever since I was a puppy"

And there's a follow up joke.....

Psychiatrist then says : OK hop up on the couch"
And the man replies "I'm not allowed on the couch"

 

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Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

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A man walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the counter, cleaning the glasses. The horse sees him staring, and says, "What's your problem, bub? You never seen a horse tending bar before?"

The man says, "No, I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

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A penguin waddles into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender “Have you seen my brother?”

The bartender asks “I don’t know, what does he look like?”

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I've just been to see my doctor.
"How can I help you?" he asked.
I said, "I was chilling out this morning listening to 'In The Air Tonight' when suddenly my iPod accidentally slipped up my arse, now it's stuck."
He looked at me with a puzzled face and said, "I've never heard that one before."
I said, "It's a Phil Collins song."

 
 
 
 
 

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On 6/21/2020 at 6:15 PM, fringo said:

Did you hear about the man who went to buy some camouflage trousers?

He couldn't find any.

To the bastard that broke in to my car and stole my trainers and hi-viz jacket.

You can run, but you cant hide. 😳

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