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On 11/2/2019 at 4:27 PM, dandydunn said:

A Dundee lass goes for her first driving lesson. 
 

Instructor says to her “Now I know you’ve not dreved a car before, but do you know the basics? How many gears are there?”

”feve” she replies

”good, and what’s the speed limit on the motorway?”

”70” she tells him

”excellent, now where’s the horn?” for the final question

She instantly replies ”On the road between dundee & Perth”

cheeky cunt 😂

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Spotting that I'd only eaten half my pizza, the waitress at Pizza Express asked me : Do you want a box for that ?"


I replied : "No, but I'll wrestle you for it".

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A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

  • Haha 1

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21 minutes ago, fringo said:

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

:lol:

Every time I hear that joke it reminds me of this 

 

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Got to go back to my favourite years sgo on here. 

I think my burd is havin an affair. Gavin from Autoglass came round to insert some resin intae her crack. Shes no even got a fuckin motor.

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I’m just out of a Mexican fast food place for my denner scran today. There was a guy in front of me who looked exactly like George Michael. The wee Mexican lassie on the till asked him what he wanted with his burrito. He answered, "Well I guess it would be rice......."

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A man enters a monastery and takes a vow of silence. This can only be broken every 10 years and then the monk can only say 2 words.After 10 years he is allowed to say his 2 words.

He says, 'food, bad'.

Another 10 years passes and he's allowed to say another 2 words.

He says,'bed, hard'.

Another 10 years go by. He's been there 30 years now. He's allowed to say 2 words again.

He goes to the leader of the monks and says,'l quit'.


The other monk replies, 'l'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you've been here!'

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I've just been to see my doctor.

"How can I help you?" he asked.

I said, "I was chilling out this morning listening to 'In The Air Tonight' when suddenly my iPod accidentally slipped up my arse, now it's stuck."

He looked at me with a puzzled face and said, "I've never heard that one before."

I said, "It's a Phil Collins song."

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, a Kiwi, an Indonesian, an American, a German, a Peruvian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Tibetan, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, a Kazahk, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Ugandan, a Nigerian, a Frenchman, a Colombian, an Argentinian and a South African went to a night club.

The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."

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There's two ducks flying over Belfast. One goes "Quack! Quack!" and the other one goes "Listen mate, I'm goin' as quack as I fuckin' can!" 

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