Jokes

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Page 2 and no posts in a month... ?

 

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I went to the bookstore and asked for a book by Shakespeare.
The woman asked me " Which one"?

I said... "William"

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I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’
He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from’

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A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know mum, but it won't be f*cking Fruit Loops'

[McTeeko]

What did Kermit say when he finally pumped Miss Piggy? 🐸 

 

A muppet. 

[Huddersfield]

8 hours ago, fringo said:

Things must be grim - I honestly couldn't stop laughing at that one.

[dan cake]

14 hours ago, McTeeko said:

What did Kermit say when he finally pumped Miss Piggy? 🐸 

 

A muppet. 

What’s green and smells of pork?

Kermit’s fingers 

[King Of Paisley]

I hear that a song has been written about a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder

Its called 'Endless Love'...........

[wheres the pies]

[bonzo]

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[Bzzzz]

What do you call a magic dug? 

A Labracadabrador... 

[King Of Paisley]

What do you call ten lepers in a hot tub?

Stew

[TDYER63]

For all lovers of UK chocolate.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street , and had a drink in Mars bar.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

‘I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

 

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Tommy Cooper I think

 

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one.
It came in at quarter past four

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A ladder has been stolen from a hardware store; the manager says that further steps will be taken

[Orraloon]

[ParisInAKilt]

7 hours ago, Orraloon said:

Feet tickling would bring me back to life as well 

[wheres the pies]

[wheres the pies]

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