A new restaurant offered £100 to anyone who ordered a dish they couldn't supply.
An old man went in and asked for giraffe's kneecaps on toast.
The waiter returned with £100, saying,
"You win - we're out of bread."
An Irish woman went into a furriers and said: "I need a nice coat to keep me warm."
The salesperson said: "Certainly, Madam, what fur?"
The Irish woman replied: "I just told you, to keep me fecking warm."
The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20mins and still couldn't find him.
My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo...
Still can't find the dog.