Bzzzz Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Two giraffes walk into a bar, one collapses on the floor and the other orders a pint, the barman says "you're no gonna leave that lyin there are you"... giraffe replies "it's no a lion, it's a giraffe" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armchair Bob Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 What do you call a polar bear on a skateboard? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fishcumnock Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Do you think oscar pistorious will get the tag ? That would be cool. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McTeeko Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Why do hippos make love under water? We'll have YOU ever tried keeping a three-foot fanny wet?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 What do you call a polar bear on a skateboard? Bloody talented Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
washboarder Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 what u call an Irishman who hangs from the ceiling? shaun de leer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
washboarder Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Patrick and Michael (politically correct) up in a bi plane pat says to mick mick if I was to turn this plane upside down do you think we will both fall out? mick replies no pat I will always be your friend Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
washboarder Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 a lorry carrying 2000 wigs was hijacked on the m74 to-day police Scotland have said they are combing the area Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
washboarder Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 guy walks into a butchers shop carrying an xtra large condom guy says to butcher pound a fillet butcher replies pound ya dont Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 My French friend said to me : " Do you know butterlies only live for one day?" I said : "That's a myth". He said : "No, it's definitely a butterfly." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craggers Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Somebody drilled a hole in the fence surrounding a nudist camp. The Police are looking in to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevo1609 Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Guy goes into a butchers and asks the man behind the counter, "you got pig's trotters?" .... A "Yes" comes the reply ............. "Well give me a pound of mince please Porky" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirk Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Fella goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever worked for the public service before?" "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles". The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am and carry on starting at 10.00am every day." The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know" "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks... ... so there's no point in you coming in for that." :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andreimack Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 yer ok andreimack just trying to put smiles on credit crunched faces I shamelessly stole this joke last night and it was very well received Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andreimack Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 So I entered ten jokes to the joke competition, hoping to win first prize. However, no pun in ten did. Brilliant :-D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andreimack Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Guy walks in to a butchers, points to 2 cuts of ribeye on the very top shelf and says to the butcher "I'll bet you £500 you can't get them down without using a ladder". The butcher replies "Nah, the steaks are too high". That's excellent 10/10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andreimack Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 The written word won't do this justice, this is my favourite joke of all time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
86glebestreet Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Somebody drilled a hole in the fence surrounding a nudist camp.The Police are looking in to it.[/quote That hole is now repaired and the police are looking to speak to Polly, a villa supporter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ormond Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Cliff Richard is playing a gig in Tokyo. Crowd starts chanting ' Cliff Cliff. Itchy Fanny, Itchy Fanny'!!! Cliff is a bit bemused by this, but looks to his backing group and starts whipping the crowd into a frenzy. Cliff goes ' OK Tokyo, take it away, one, two, three............... 'Itchy Fanny, how we don't talk anymore'......................................... The joke should read, "Itchy Sore Fanny." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffer Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
86glebestreet Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 2 pals out drinking when one is sick all down his shirt, he starts shouting that his wife told him not to come home if he is sick, his pal told him not to worry and just put a £20 note in his inside pocket and tell his wife that some one else was sick on his shirt and has gave him the £20 for his dry cleaning bill, When he gets home his wife starts shouting about the sick on his shirt, he tells his wife about the £20 note in his pocket to pay for the dry cleaning, His wife goes in his pocket to check his story, she then asked him why was there 2 £20 notes in his pocket, Her husband told her the other £20 was from the guy that shit in his pants, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stewart_Aberdeen Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 2 pals out drinking when one is sick all down his shirt, he starts shouting that his wife told him not to come home if he is sick, his pal told him not to worry and just put a £20 note in his inside pocket and tell his wife that some one else was sick on his shirt and has gave him the £20 for his dry cleaning bill, When he gets home his wife starts shouting about the sick on his shirt, he tells his wife about the £20 note in his pocket to pay for the dry cleaning, His wife goes in his pocket to check his story, she then asked him why was there 2 £20 notes in his pocket, Her husband told her the other £20 was from the guy that shit in his pants, Only heard that one recently. This version is brilliant for the delayed reaction at the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
86glebestreet Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 Only heard that one recently. This version is brilliant for the delayed reaction at the end. Fcukin always someone trying too steal the limelight, Haha that's how I heard it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flure Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 The following text message appeared on a man's iPhone from his next-door neighbour:"I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you.I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."The man who received this message, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.A few moments later, a second text came in: "Sorry, 'wifi' not 'wife', bloody autocorrect.'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fish Supper Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 Been infested by bugs in the home but every time I try to catch them they explode! Their Jihaddi long legs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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