Robroysboy Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 The wife has left me because she said I love football more than her. It has really upset me, I have been with her for 13 seasons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robroysboy Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 My wife has just told me she wants Chanel No5 for her Christmas.... ...She's going to be really happy with me as I've just managed to re-tune the freeview box. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robroysboy Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next visit to the toilet could spell disaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 My mate swallowed some lego the other day. The doctor reckons he will be fine, but he is shitting bricks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark frae Crieff Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up."No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up."No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark frae Crieff Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 My mate set me up on a blind date.He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffer Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Why do the Teletubbies all go to the toilet together? They've only got one tinky winky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark frae Crieff Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I've just wrapped up a load of old torn cardboard in Christmas paper for my lad. I can't wait to see his face when he asks "what the hell is this Dad?" and I reply, "it's an ex box son" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scunnered Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 What does Anal sex and your first car have in common? It may not be what you wanted, but it doesn't stop your dad giving it to you anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orraloon Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 What does Anal sex and your first car have in common? It may not be what you wanted, but it doesn't stop your dad giving it to you anyway. I'm going to sneak that one into a xmas cracker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scunnered Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I'm going to sneak that one into a xmas cracker. That's what dad said Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbcmfc Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 What does Anal sex and your first car have in common? It may not be what you wanted, but it doesn't stop your dad giving it to you anyway. That's a cracker! Jimmy Carr? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbcmfc Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 The wife has left me because she said I love football more than her. It has really upset me, I have been with her for 13 seasons. My wife says I'm more interested in my fantasy football team than her! In my defence, I have Kompany and smalling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orraloon Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 That's a cracker! Jimmy Carr? Nigella maybe? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark frae Crieff Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast- fed or bottle- fed? "Breast- fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 I've just got a new job helping a one armed typist with her capital letters. Its shift work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_burger Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Man walks into doctors and says "doctor, I've been feeling a bit like a cowboy lately". The doctor says " is that so, how long has this been going on for?" The man says "about a yeeeeeehaaahhh!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bonzo Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast- fed or bottle- fed? "Breast- fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." hahaha ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marky Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 Bloke walks into the doctors and says "it's my penis doctor. I think you better have a look at it'. The guy gets it out and the doc gives it a thorough examination then says to the guy "I'm sorry sir, but I can't see anything wrong with it". The guy replies "I know. It's a feckin beauty isn't it!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marky Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 Guy goes to the docs and is told his usual doctor is off sick and has been replaced by a female locum. He explains that his problem in "delicate" and would rather see a man but as he has no choice he agrees to see the woman. He gets called in and says to the doctor "I've got a problem with my penis doctor I think you ought to have a look". She tells him to drop his trousers. After a couple of minutes she says to him "well, I can tell you this Mr. Smith, you're going to have to stop the masturbating" "Why is that?" Asks the guy, to which the doc replies "because I'm trying to examine you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasMc1973 Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 Doctor, Doctor i seem to have a lettuce growing out my ass... Well bend over and let me have a look....OMG... I know, and that's only the tip of the iceberg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scunnered Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 That's a cracker! Jimmy Carr? I'm not sure, I read it on... Erm, Reddit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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