Fairbairn Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 I've just got a new job helping a one armed typist with her capital letters. Its shift work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redstevie007 Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 Guy goes to the docs and is told his usual doctor is off sick and has been replaced by a female locum. He explains that his problem in "delicate" and would rather see a man but as he has no choice he agrees to see the woman. He gets called in and says to the doctor "I've got a problem with my penis doctor I think you ought to have a look". She tells him to drop his trousers. After a couple of minutes she says to him "well, I can tell you this Mr. Smith, you're going to have to stop the masturbating" "Why is that?" Asks the guy, to which the doc replies "because I'm trying to examine you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ormond Posted December 24, 2015 Author Share Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) A man goes into the doctor to complain about his penis. The doctors asks him what seems to be the issue. "Well, it's like this," says the man, removing his trousers. "As you can see, my penis is very inflamed but also it has turned orange." "Sir, do you have any odd hobbies?" the doctor asks. "Not really doc," answers the man, "Except from watching porn all day and eating Wotsits." Edited December 24, 2015 by Ormond Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kmcca5 Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 My wife says I'm more interested in my fantasy football team than her! In my defence, I have Kompany and smalling. I will be robbing that one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 I bought a greyhound about a month ago,A friend of mine said to me,'what are you going to do with it?'I said 'i'm going to race it'.He said 'by the look of it, I think you'll beat it' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark frae Crieff Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 http://news.bfnn.co.uk/nation-agrees-to-refer-to-pigs-in-blankets-as-cameron-delights/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark frae Crieff Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 I got home pissed at 3am and found my wife had changed the locks.As I stumbled away I noticed the bitch had also changed the street we live on Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scunnered Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 I lost two things today, my virginity. And my job at the morgue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armchair Bob Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Bloke walks into the doctors and says "it's my penis doctor. I think you better have a look at it'. The guy gets it out and the doc gives it a thorough examination then says to the guy "I'm sorry sir, but I can't see anything wrong with it". The guy replies "I know. It's a feckin beauty isn't it!" My all time top favourite joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Bloke walks into the doctors and says "it's my penis doctor. I think you better have a look at it'. The guy gets it out and the doc gives it a thorough examination then says to the guy "I'm sorry sir, but I can't see anything wrong with it". The guy replies "I know. It's a feckin beauty isn't it!" In contrast : Bob goes to the doctor and says : " It's embarrassing Doctor so please don't laugh!" "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now...what seems to be the problem?" Bob replied : "It's swollen," Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 "Look, you're my best friend so i have to be honest, Movember went and Decembeard passed, now please, it's January, shave that ridiculous mustache and beard off, you look like a ." I got such a slap, that's the last time i tell my wife she's my best friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffer Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 How do you stop bacon curling in the pan Take away their little brooms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armchair Bob Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 I was in Germany recently and was horrified to bite into my burger and find a mouse in it! "waiter," I said, "kellner!" He ambled over and had a look. "Cheer up," he said, "it could be wurst." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So heknocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean2.5 gallons?'The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young andbeautiful again.'The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'The blonde said, 'No, just up to my t*ts. I can splash it on my eyes.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 (edited) I took my wife to see the doctor today hoping to sort out her tourettes problem. It turns out she doesn't have it... turns out I am a and she really does want me to f**k off... Edited January 11, 2016 by daddybuc16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 But I'll tell you what I love doing more thananything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 A guy goes the Doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out of his backside. Is it serious he asks the doctor? That's only the tip of the iceberg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Tetley say the best way to make a cup of tea is agitate the bag. So every morning i slap her arse and say two sugars fatty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fermer Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 A guy goes the Doctors with a bit of lettuce sticking out of his backside. Is it serious he asks the doctor? That's only the tip of the iceberg. u and I need to meet up. Love yer jokes mate. This one will be used tonight in Lithgae!!! (unless copyright of course) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 u and I need to meet up. Love yer jokes mate. This one will be used tonight in Lithgae!!! (unless copyright of course) All jokes are copied and pasted from somewhere and/or old jokes told over the years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fermer Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 All jokes are copied and pasted from somewhere and/or old jokes told over the years. Was used Fringo. I know this is an old one but.......... A man walks in to the butchers and says doctor I keep thinking I am a moth. Guy says I think you are looking for next door. He says ok. What brought you in here. Your light was on. Is that worth a ban??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bonzo Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Was used Fringo. I know this is an old one but.......... A man walks in to the butchers and says doctor I keep thinking I am a moth. Guy says I think you are looking for next door. He says ok. What brought you in here. Your light was on. Is that worth a ban??? why was the doctor in the butchers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fermer Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 why was the doctor in the butchers? Aye right bonzo you canny be that thick lol. Or is that another joke coming?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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