fringo Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 May have posted this a while back....... How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until it's bill withers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Or this ? My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huddersfield Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 May have posted this a while back....... How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until it's bill withers Reminds me of this old chestnut... How do you turn a cat into a dog? Soak it with petrol Strike a match Watch it go 'woof' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mariokempes56 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you BBC Scotland.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasMc1973 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 May have posted this a while back....... How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until it's bill withers aye in the 70's still made me laugh though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dandydunn Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Updog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasMc1973 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Updog. don't you start that... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dandydunn Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 don't you start that... ???? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
in5omniac Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I thought it was Updoc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasMc1973 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 it's not over till it's updoc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robroysboy Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Or this ? My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jock strap Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Paddys' wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital. On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?" To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus, we're both over the moon" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 An Irish woman went into a furriers and said: "I need a nice coat to keep me warm."The salesperson said: "Certainly, Madam, what fur?"The Irish woman replied: "I just told you, to keep me fecking warm." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
86glebestreet Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Paddy says to mick, someone has just stolen your car, Mick says, did you get a description, Paddy says no but I got the registration number , Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jock strap Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Man walks into his workplace after being late for the 3rd day running. " wtf is going on ? " asks his furious boss. " I can't sleep Boss, not even for 10 minutes, don't know why " the man replies. His Boss hands him a sleeping tablet to take that night. The man goes home, gets ready for bed and takes the tablet. He is out for the count in no time at all. The man opens his eyes, feeling fresh and revitalised and looks at the alarm clock. 0500. I'll show the Boss he thinks and gets ready for work. Sat in his office, he notices his Boss coming through the door. Sat smugly he shouts out " Morning Boss ". The Boss turns around and shouts " Never mind morning, where the f*** were you yesterday ! " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armchair Bob Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Looking after the neighbours wee dug at the minute she is at some relations in Devon anyway my boiler goes on the blink so had to call out a engineer for the boiler so he arrived at 6 pm so l went into the other room to make a telephone call so got back into the kitchen to see if things where ok and your no going to belief this the engineer was shagging the wee dug you no what he said to me ?it is ok sir l am corgi registered Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armchair Bob Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Went to the restaurant with my wife. "I'll have the wanking bull," she asked the waiter. "The wanking bull?" "Yes, you know - beef stroking off." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 Screaming in pain, a woman runs into the golf clubhouse. 'I've been stung by a bee!!' The guy at the bar replies 'where about?'....'Between the first and second hole' she said. 'Oh dear,' the guy says. 'Your stance must be too wide.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manewhut Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 The guy who invented the throat sweet has just died. There will be no coffin' at his funeral Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 My wife asked me what my plans are for Easter? The same as Jesus', disappear Friday, show up Monday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 A woman who injected her 8 year old with botox for beauty pagents has lost custody of the child. The child didn't look surprised Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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