ThistleWhistle

If his shell suit has a picture of Darth Vader on the front the fella posts on here so you could pm him to stop being a bam. Elsewise don't stab him as its clichéd - have you access to a ten inch rubber penis to club him with? Couple of years in a mental hospital wing would be all you'd get then.

Took wee lass to a Wacky Warehouse for her 4th birthday party and we got 30 kids. Greet most of the parents as they come in and give them the free light refreshment voucher – one of the dads says ‘oh I’m going just drop Dave and come back in about an hour if that’s ok?’ I agree and he is out of there before I can actually nail down which one of the hyperactive wee bastards is his. No problem I think – I’ll just ask Mrs Whistle but she says she hasn’t got a clue either who Dave is but suggests Whistle Junior will know. Unfortunately Whistle Junior is up on level four of the climbing frame and showing no sign of coming down any time soon. I have to drag my fat arse up the apparatus, through herds of mental sugar fuelled ‘rules of the jungle’ kids and finally catch mine swinging from the monkey branches - she reluctantly agrees to help me track down Dave. She’s like a ferret and trying to keep up with her through the tunnel, over the cargo net, under the rolling sausage things has me sweating like an absolute beast. She’s well ahead and disappears around a corner when I hear her shout glaekit ‘Quick Dave my daddy is chasing you’. Before I can get around the corner they’re down the slide cackling like lunatics and all I can see is the back of a 3 foot Hulk disappearing to in to the distance. ‘Fuck it’ thinks I – I’m just going sit here and wait for their return. Unfortunately a fat, red faced man sitting uncomfortably at the top of the slide without an obvious kid of his own is not a great look and a couple of parents at the bottom were evidently wandering what I was up to. Luckily Hulk turns up but wee lass has scarpered. ‘Are you Dave’ I say in a voice that I am overly conscious of being a bit creepy. ‘Sorry my dad says not to speak to strangers’ – which is a fair point but it takes me all my restraint not to tell him that’s all well and good until his dad fucked off to watch Liverpool v Man U leaving him in a room full of them but before we can get in to logical discussion he is tearing down the slide. I launch myself after him in a manner that would be deemed out of control, reckless and a red card offence in current football parlance or a quick word that’s then rescinded on appeal if I played for the Old Firm. I get there just in time to wheezily point him out to my wife expecting a pat on the back for my efforts as try to avoid a potential cardiac arrest. To my surprise she says ‘That’s not Dave – he’s in the party hut having a drink’. Feeling slightly uncomfortable I’d just chased the incorrect infant down a shoot because two kids turned up in a Hulk costume she compounds it by smugly telling me she knew who Dave was all along and just wanted to see my fat derriere struggle up the spongey ladder to get to level two. We’re about to argue the toss when the eponymous Dave comes over ‘Thistle Junior’s Dad – I need a poo’. I walk him to the toilet like a condemned man and as I see it I have four potential scenarios ahead of me: I get a request for a help to wipe with the single ply paper being all that is between my didgit and a four year old’s anus. I stand and watch a four year old wipe his arse and talk him through it oblivious to if anyone is listening outside. I hang about outside the cubicle and give general motivation chat or ask how he is getting on hoping nobody walks in. Leave him in the hope Dad turns up before he shits himself especially as the cuffs on his Hulk suit don’t look particularly jobby tight and if that streaks on the slide it’ll ruin it for everyone. Option C is obviously the best of a bad bunch and stand outside the cubicle but unfortunately ‘Junior’s Dad – I can’t get the suit off’. So I’m in a toilet cubicle trying to unfasten his Hulk costume without looking and think I’ve got away with it when he says ‘Finished’ but unfortunately he means finished shitting so his knob is out and he’s expecting a wipe. I’m not getting involved in that so decide it is his dad’s fault he’ll do home with an itchy arse; make sure he washes his hands though as I am not a total reprobate. Curveball – Dave’s mum turns up and she is proper proper fit. I’m nervous around moderately attractive women so I’m looking like a prime gammon when a second EU referendum is announced on seeing her and the situation is compounded by Dave straight off the bat telling the now leading contender on the Cancer Mum Replacement List I watched him have a poo. I got all flustered and told her he needed help taking his suit off and that I tried not to look but couldn’t help it! Her looking at me really very shifty exacerbates the problem and all I can think to say is jokingly ‘He’ll make a girl very happy one day – like a baby holding an apple!’ And that your Honour is how I found myself in the position of having a sweaty red face, looking extremely dodgy whilst complimenting the sexual reproductive organ of a 4 year old in a public place. Where do I sign and date the register?

100 euros for 12 tickets (4 tickets for 3 games in Nice).

Scotland v England

I now even find how he runs like he's carrying two heavy suitcases struggling to catch his train when he realises he is out of position endearing.

I remember Stoke playing Leicester in the second leg of playoffs in 96 for the Premiership. Lennon was gesturing at the Boothen End throughout the game but absolutely shit his pants when the pitch invasion came - quickest he ever ran I reckon. The majority of the 6-7,000 terrace were on the pitch and if there hadn't have been police horses and dogs across the pitch there would have been serious trouble. Stoke fans were going on anyway and the majority were over the moon with even getting to the playoffs but with his nonsense was a catalyst for turning dark. Stoke fans were far from angelic but we'd been on the week before at the end of the regular season with no meither at all. Not one person on that pitch would have been after him for being a Catholic but there was defo complete weapons wanting to get a hold of him. I think he's a knob because he obviously hasn't learnt and could easily have incited a pitch invasion. If it were up to me whoever chucked the coin should get banned and Lennon should get a hefty touchline ban but that is never going to happen. Suggesting it's down to racism makes Scottish football look even more tin pot than it already is. MON jumped about like a lunatic and never got half the shit.

Rumours a Palestinian enqired if an Israeli's da sells Avon so the response seems proportionate

My Mrs is Buddhist but don't worry this isn't the time or place for religious bigotry - there's a two hour window later when I'll be able to make disparaging remarks about reincarnation and sing 'You can stick the Dalai Lama up yer arse' which I will look to utilise to its fullest though. However, she is always spouting hippy trippy stuff like 'see things from all angles and you will become more open'. What I think it means within the confines of our house is agree with her or I'm not getting sex for a month. In a wider arena though it probably would be a useful tool to use in understanding geopolitical clusterfucks like Brexit, Trump, Yemen etc but probably best to start small so applied it to Disney movies as my 3.5 year old bundle of chaos is well in to them with their perceived visions of good: Beauty and the Beast Previously I was happy the spoiled wee prick got what was coming to him but on watching it with a fresh pair of eyes the punishment really doesn't fit the crime. He's a 14 year old boy, rich, popular, with an empty and all the village fanny around for a castle party when an old woman rocks up demanding access to a finger-blasting chariot. He's no reprobate so his parent's room would still be free but the old woman's continence can't be vouched upon so if his parents come home in the morning to find the remnants of a huge party and a urine drenched witch in their bed they'll no doubt go tonto. The only reasonable course of action is to turn her away or at least ascertain if she is wearing rubber knickers. He is then cursed and has until 21 to break it. I can't imagine having the capacity at 21 to understand a female emotionally and physically enough to achieve true love especially if my kitchen utensils randomly sprang in to song when folk visited. Even approaching 40 I still don't really but much like the sit on Postman Pat van the wee lass was on at Sainsbury's the mechanics remain mysterious but things seem to occur when you stick a coin in (metaphorically speaking obviously - I don't put a quid in my wife's vagina and then jump on for the ride). Sweet lovely Belle is no different. Beast gives her a fucking huge library, saves her life from wolf attack following her complete inability to adhere to basic instruction and puts her needs ahead of his own to let her see her father yet if Gaston hadn't have been attacking she wouldn't have gone back thus consigning Beast to an eternity of hairy sweaty arse syndrome - wiping must be an absolute nightmare. Fast forward and she takes one look in his human baby blues and her knickers are around her ankles hosting balls to lord it over the peasants she was previously so derogatory about with her inverted snobbery. Had a talk with the wee lass after - 'if a man fights wolves for you and still lets you leave to find yourself he's a keeper and don't worry about the arbitrary judgement of witches making the SFA look competent as we drowned or burnt them all a few centuries back'. Little Mermaid Two races coming together through the love of two key protagonists whose species had previously completely distrusted each other - really lovely apart from Ariel being a fucking sociopath. How many men does it take to operate a clipper yet because Ariel deemed them too ugly to save they're consigned to Davie Jones locker. Prince Eric back on shore you'd think would be distressed about the families left without a father but nope he's totally consumed only thinking about how he can possibly get a gill-wank now. The remainder of the film is about a medieval world war that can't be solved via the medium of sea-creature dance and which solely arose through Ariel's poor negotiating of a contract. Talk with wee lass - Always seek proper legal advice before entering in to a binding agreement as singing won't avoid payment of damages. Moana Teenage girl, canoe, cute sidekick and a demi-god go on a voyage of discovery in the seas around Papa New Guinea. Can't help feeling that the success of this film is solely down to the backdrop. Teenage girl goes on a voyage of discovery with a long haired heavily tattooed fella in his Vauxhall Vectra and staffy bull terrier in the boot through the streets of Rotherham probably isn't going to achieve the merchandise sales they'd have hoped for. Talk with wee lass - Anyone offers to take you on a voyage of discovery come speak to your dad. Pocahontas Holiday romance causing death of local love interest but bringing two races of people together before John Smith sods off back to blighty leaving her to deal with the repercussions of her father. The true story though was she seemingly loved the white boaby and was off to blighty shortly afterward with another Caucasian leaving her dad to fight them off whilst she toured London as a society zoo animal before dying of pocks, scurvy, rickets and/or dysentery. Talk with wee lass - if you must abandon me to almost certain death please just make sure your shots are up to date and you have taken the relevant travel advice. Incredibles Superman must be spinning in his grave with these selfish fuckers. Bomb Voyage is still at large, Mr Incredible could have just left it and the bank's insurance would have responded but instead he destroys half a city causing untold disruption to commuters then basically says 'och fuck it - I'm off get married'. In the next film the Under-Miner robs a bank, again remit of their insurance, but this time the whole family destroy half the city causing untold disruption to commuters before he escapes and they again basically give a collective shrug then go home. However, superheroes are in danger and these bastards are all over it like a rash seeing it through to the very end. Talk with wee lass - if you do things that are exclusively for your benefit then you're a tory and will need move out at 18. We also have five star defacto house insurance so no need to be a hero if someone breaks in to steal the tele.

'The Sunday Aye!'' and 'The Mibbie on Sunday'

Must have dreamt the moaning like absolute bitches when Barca won 7-0; wasn't fair - they pay players x buy players for y - how can we compete. All forgotten though when back to pumping diddy teams in the SPL. Then moaned like absolute bitches when folk pointed out the total lack of self awareness.

And stop moaning like absolute bitches when they play someone with wedge in the Champions League

One thing I like about Southgate is he does something no England manager has done in a long time - play to your strengths rather than worrying about everyone else. If you're good at set pieces get the fucking thing in the mixer and make them deal with it. Being semi-neutral I think if your record ended 3 wins, a draw and three defeats it wouldn't be an unfair reflection as can't say you've been particularly great but then you haven't needed to be. On the other hand can't see Croatia beating you and the two best teams left in it could be a proper ding-dong that takes it out of them for the final. Whatever happens enjoy this week as must be an amazing experience.

Och I'm not as bothered as I thought I might have been. Southgate's a decent bloke, the majority of the team aren't like the full blown melts of previous generations and a healthy chunk of the media seem genuinely excited rather than entitled and obnoxious of previous tournaments. My mates down there all have kids between 8-12 so this must be completely amazing for them. If they get to the final and beat France or Belgium then hats off to them because nobody could have seen it coming. Only gripe would be the 'Its coming home' pish when the tournament was invented by a French bloke and they didn't play in it the first three times it was staged but even then some of the memes are a pisser.

Late Alli Winner Looming?

'It's coming home!'

It was weird that they were trying to suggest that they'd possibly chucked it for the easier route when they nearly got caught on the counter a couple of times in the last 15 minutes. They were definitely going for an equaliser for me. Think the major concern for them should be that the tactical genius that is Roberto Martinez exposed a couple of pretty big problem with their system. Pin their wingbacks back and there is oceans of space to play in-front of them and; they struggle to keep the ball so look long all the time. It is a dangerous weapon to have but if they do it all the time then the opposition can just drop off. However, Sterling is more likely to drop short so that may not be such an issue next game. Think they definitely risk underestimating Colombia though and their defence seems pacey enough to deal with balls over the top. Also, the keeper has a mistake in him that could cost them a game.

Good Evening Britain is car crash tele

Watched the second half - loved the look of the stadium they played in. Think their coach had announced he was leaving but still a good result beating them over there.

If you mean that you would like to see more of her analysing games I agree totally and think she has been one of the best quite easily. Aluko has been ok too and both seemed to have bothered their arse to do some research. The female commentator was alright too especially compared to Clive Tyldsley. Only criticism would be she spoke too much which would be easy to attribute to her sex but suspect it is because her background seems to be radio commentary. If you mean you want to see more of her in a literal sense though then Google search ‘Alex Scott Womens Health’. Her thighs are massive!!! Totally agree that Martin O’Neil is a creepy wee weirdo too.

And during the Coupe De Monde There was the chance for two hearts to bond A lassie whose marriage was in trouble Fancied getting re-pumped by Barney Rubble He thought it was all a farce Until his balls were thunder-clapping off her arse Oh Iceland is a nice land

Good god Scottish football is depressing. A limited side getting overly excited about beating diddy teams over and over and over and over so the answer is for the main, previously skint, competitor to sign 33 year old defenders with no resale value with the sole mission to stop 9,10,100 in a row.

At least he's out in time to watch the wedding.

Wowers that's 1000 packets or 5000 stickers. If the Kolarov Ratio remains consistent I'll get 197 more of him at cost of 40 quid. Fucker could at least smile instead of looking at me like I'd wiped my arse on his dog. Hopefully by the Euros my nephew will be getting sticky fingers by other means and have grown out of this.

Bought the Panini album for my nephew and the French squad looks the best on empty numbered rectangles. I have three of the same Serbian fella out of 14 packs so already pissed off with it but nephew's well excited. Might tell him it'll be cancelled anyway because we're all about to die of nuclear Armageddon so we're unlikely to complete the set in the hope it saves me having to add further to my collection of Victor Kolarovs.

Can't believe it makes specific reference to door handles. Instead of breaking in to his house and applying it to his lavy seat or toothbrush where he'd die inside unseen they KGB shady types decided it was best to stand outside in some form of protective gear looking dodgy ambivalent to the rain and paint it on something accessible to milk men and paperboys as per their crack training protocols. I was numb finishing reading 1984 - I'm scared sh!tless living what feels the genesis of it's reality.