How Do You Get A Fat Burd Into Bed ?

[Mindimoo]

Nae imagination.

Right, bed time for me. On ma lonesome. Apart from the cat.

You should have seen my first draft!

[andymac]

Pffft.

Drop me a text.

[YORKIE PAM]

Hmm....having seen the vast majority of the Tartan Army...the irony of this thread is not lost on me.

[McDange]

I mind once in Perth I had this huge Irish bitch in my pit. She was an absolute gusher. The gorilla left a map of Africa all over my mattress. Dirty fat cow.

Funniest post of 2015 on the TAMB. Sittin giggling away at my desk with colleagues looking at me like I'm aff my heid.

[dan cake]

Hmm....having seen the vast majority of the Tartan Army...the irony of this thread is not lost on me.

once had a conversation with a ukrainian girl who refused to believe i was scottish because i wasnt fat!

[ThistleWhistle]

_{Early 20’s, hugely naïve, I sat next to a lass at work who was a right pain in the @rse and kept banging on for me to go out on a date with her mate. In a moment of weakness I finally capitulated, and although the sales pitch had put the mystery woman somewhere between Cleopatra and Helen of Troy on the all-time stunner roster, I was less than surprised to discover she was in fact fat. I’m a massive fan of woman in general, with no real specific type I looked for, but the meat to bone ratio here was beyond me. Looking for a silver lining I thought at least she’s bound to be jolly so this’ll be a laugh but within a couple of minutes found out this wasn’t the case at all. The only similarity with Helen I could think of was her face looked like it literally could have launched a 1000 ships but they’d have been filled to the gunnels with Jammy Dodgers and resentment rather than soldiers.}

_{As we walked towards the moderately expensive Italian I’d decided on I got the distinct impression the two waiters having a fag outside the Chinese with an ‘All you can Eat’ buffet on breathed a huge sigh of relief as we passed. Attempting small talk at the table got me nowhere and instead was reduced to nodding and smiling through a lecture on her two cats and how much she hated her work colleagues.}

_{Regardless I carried on trying to give the pretence it was an enjoyable evening on the basis I may get a good report going back to her mate, this would then be disseminated to the other female members in the team and may boost my appeal in hope I would never find myself in this god awful position ever again. Even when she ordered the dearest dish on the menu then shouted over a couple of tables to get the waiter back I kept trying to be pleasant. My only regret of the night was I felt acutely embarrassed at this point but not at her sheer rudeness; I was embarrassed that the complaint was he had brought normal Coke and not Diet like ordered. He looked at me to see if this was a p!ss take but I was too busy admiring the wallpaper to take him on.}

_{At the end of the meal where there was minimal resistance to me settling the bill I had hoped we would forgo the cinema but she was determined that we were going. We sat to watch some god awful chick flick and I thought my misery could not be further compounded until she got to the bottom of her vat of Diet Coke and subsequently started chewing the ice cubes! Not only was I out with a vapid, sponging misery, after about 15 minutes of her chewing her ice and then moving on to mine, I now got the distinct impression that half the cinema wanted to smack me.}

_{The credits rolled, we got up, made our way to the exit and I was busy thinking of the best way to let the lass down gently. However, I needn’t have worried because her arse was barely out of the Odeon when she said ‘I don’t think we should go out again as I’m not attracted to you but we can still be friends’. I was absolutely gutted because if she didn't want to shag me who would! My mojo was shot to pieces, remaining so for months, but managed to restore a sliver of pride by rejecting the offer of friendship outright because that was evidently a load of old bollocks. Unfortunately this backfired as her mate took umbrage to this and told anyone in possession of a vulva at our work that I was a tw@t and as this was the main part of my social circle having just moved to the area I got the impression that my wankathon looked like never ending.}

_{Fifteen years on and out with my wife for the first time since our nipper was born seven months ago when, as we waited at our table, she enquired if I minded that she hadn’t managed to shift all the weight since pregnancy. ‘No worries - So long as you order something from the two for £20 menu and we can watch Jurassic Park after this then you’re a keeper.’}

_{I love how her arse jiggles now - Awkward conversation when she tried on jeggings last weekend though. 'Yes - massive' was the correct answer but won no prizes.}

[daddybuc16]

:lol: