I'm about to start laying out my Scotland national dress in advance of Glasgow and Slovakia.
I've made a check list to make sure I don't forget any of the required attire
Glengarry - complete with lots of wee badges from every away game I've been to, and many I haven't, so that I've got instant respect. Argentina 78 obviously takes pride of place even though I was born in 77. Amongst the badges you'll find other allegiances like YES and Irn Bru. Maybe a funny Tufty Club or Blue Peter badge too. More importantly it charts all the Ted Christopher, Andy Chung and Tartan Doc gigs I've attended.
The luxurious and impressively tall feathers that adorn it with such impressive effect were hand plucked from birds poached from every Scottish estate in the hands of murdering English and foreign landowners.
Gillies shirt - dark green and embarrassingly tight to show off my impressive girth... with real leather laces and a huge floppy collar. Braw.
Kilt. The orange one with rampant lions. Shows I'm not too much of traditionalist and hip with the trends. It's cool.
Kilt belt - with extra holes punched to accommodate my famous girth. The leather is crafted from Aberdeen Angus bull skin and embossed with the words to 'doe a deer'.
Belt buckle - hewn from cut offs from the Forth Rail Bridge and that big crane at Finnieston. It was smelted at Falkirk and sculptured by Andy Scott using the same method with which he created the Kelpies. It will soon be on display at the new Dundee V&A.
Pipers jacket- thick, felted and gloriously adorned with silver braid and exactly 1314 buttons. Freedom!
Sporran- made from road kill from every region of Scotland. Includes the furs of otter, deer, arctic fox, beaver, wolf, badger, seal, wild cat, pine martin, red squirrel, bear, Glesga Cat and other rare and endangered Scottish species that only I am legally qualified to wear. The cantle is pure gold sourced from my own mine in the hills above Tyndrum.
Sporran chain - each link is embossed with the name of every foot soldier murdered at Culloden. Bastards.
Kilt pin - a thing of beauty. Crafted from Iona silver it depicts scenes representing the degradation my fellow scots have endured under 300 years of English subjugation.
Underpants. Aye right! My balls have been exposed to such low temperatures that they've shrunk to such microscopic size I've been invited to shoot them around the hadron collider.
...and my penis is countersunk.
Socks - representing the heritage of the northern islands they're knitted from a unique blend of wool harvested from the rare sheep and goats only found running feral on the cliffs of St Kilda, Fair Isle and Foula . When they get damp from the dew dripping from my crotch they repel every known species of biting midge.
Shoes. Brogues. With segs embossed with saltires, lion rampants and thistles so I leave the iconic imprints of Scotland in every city we march.
Fags - Regal
Hipper- Rusty nail.
Sorted.