You might have to narrow that down a bit more as there were more than a few on the way back from Dortmund to A'Dam fitting that description (myself included!).
An Irish woman went into a furriers and said: "I need a nice coat to keep me warm." The salesperson said: "Certainly, Madam, what fur?" The Irish woman replied: "I just told you, to keep me fecking warm."
Paddys' wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.
On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"
To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus, we're both over the moon"
A man was sitting with his laptop drafting his will and called out to his wife :
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, BABE!"
She called back, "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY FAT !"