Since it's Friday

[Flure 118]

I was asked last year where I saw myself in five years time.

I said, "I don't know, I haven't got 2020 vision".

[fringo 155]

I went to the bookstore and asked for a book by Shakespeare.

The woman asked me Which one?

I said... William

[fringo 155]

How do you make a tortoise fast?

Don't feed him.

[Flure 118]

Said to the Librarian, "Do you have any books on suicide".

 

She said, "No, you'll no' bring it back".

[Flure 118]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and then another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven, Sir. Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven, Sir. Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: Seven!!! SIR! A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!? A very angry Johnny: Because, ... I've already got a cat!!!

Edited October 28, 2016 by Flure

[Flure 118]

A technician is being sent to work in the Arctic Circle.

"This is your emergency equipment," says his boss. "It consists of a box of assorted distress flares, a radio and a deck of cards."

"What are the cards for?" asks the technician.

"If the distress flares don't work," says the boss, "and the radio is completely frozen, take the deck of cards and start a game of solitaire. It won't be long before someone taps you on the shoulder and tells you to put the nine of spades on the ten of diamonds."

[Fairbairn 230]

"My dog is learning a foreign language"

"Espanol?"

"No, he's a Labrador".

[Flure 118]

A man was taken to hospital after eating daffodil bulbs.

Doctors say he’s recovering and he’ll be out in the Spring.

[Flure 118]

Doctor - You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient - What’s the cure?

Doctor - It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

[fringo 155]

😤

[fringo 155]

Sad to hear the discoverer of wheat intolerance has passed away.
The family have requested no flours..

[fringo 155]

[irnbruman 37]

2  buckets of sick walkin down the road when one starts greetin. Whats the matter says the ither one. Oh nuthin.just a bit emotional..its just I was brought up round here.

[Flure 118]

Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants?

 

Because Chernobyl fall out!.

[bonzo 168]

Are birds of a feather that stick together 

Vel-crows?

[bonzo 168]

Everyone just watch don't know whether it is a scam or not but I just got a phone call there saying I have won £250 cash or Elvis Presley tribute tickets. It then said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show

[wheres the pies 30]

Major investment coming for rangers a very rich Arab with huge Masonic links 

sheik Mahawn 

 

 

 

[wheres the pies 30]

Murphy asks paddy why are talking into that envelope ? 

Paddy replies l am sending a voice - mail ; ya fucking idiot 

[Toepoke 391]

So I nipped over to the local cairry oot for ma tea last night.

The wee Chinese boy behind the counter pointed at me shouting "Watcha wa, watcha wa?"

"Ok" I said, "I'll have chicken curry with fried rice please"

"Naw, watcha wa ya dafty. Ah jist paintit it!"

 

[DoonTheSlope 326]

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna 1 Anna 2

[Orraloon 384]

On 6/9/2018 at 7:02 PM, DoonTheSlope said:

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna 1 Anna 2

And you think Frankie Boyle isnae funny. 

[DoonTheSlope 326]

What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? 

A Quarter Pounder with Cheese 

[Scotty CTA 139]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[bonzo 168]

A woman in labour shouting the usual stuff "get this out of me, give me more drugs" 

She turns to her husband screaming "you did this to me you fucker you put me through this agony". 

He casually whispers in her ear " if you remember I wanted to stick it up your arse and you told me to fuck off it would be too painful "