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A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink. Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?'

looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'

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This week I was asked to do a very important after-dinner speech.

I said, 'Do you want me to be funny?'


They said, 'No, just be yourself.'

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(From a woman's diary)

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't).

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.


The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.


It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!


Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.


He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.


At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!" 🎂

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I went to the bookstore and asked for a book by Shakespeare.
The woman asked me " Which one"?

I said... "William"

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I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’
He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from’

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A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'


'I don't know mum, but it won't be f*cking Fruit Loops'

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14 hours ago, McTeeko said:

What did Kermit say when he finally pumped Miss Piggy? 🐸 

 

A muppet. 

What’s green and smells of pork?

Kermit’s fingers 

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What do you call a magic dug? 

A Labracadabrador... 

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For all lovers of UK chocolate.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street , and had a drink in Mars bar.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

‘I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

 

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Tommy Cooper I think

 

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one.
It came in at quarter past four

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A ladder has been stolen from a hardware store; the manager says that further steps will be taken

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