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A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

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A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man, "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Okay" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man, "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?"

The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar."

The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says, "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?"

"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks, "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?"

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me," says the man.

"Yes, yes," sighs the head monk. "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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There are 10 types of people in the world. 

Those who understand binary and those that don't! 

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A guy goes to the doctor's for an examination.

Before the examination, he asked the doctor if he had ever laughed at his patients' problems.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' he said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' he replied.

 

@Ormond

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Well, no thanks to everyone who suggested it would be OK to wear my grandfather's medals to the remembrance parade. It did not go down well and now I'm banned from the British Legion.

I guess they've never seen an Iron Cross in there before...

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A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked. 
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied. 
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

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A man in Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce
assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man
persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his
manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 
'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.' 
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Aberdeen, sir,' the boy replied. 
'Well, why did you leave Aberdeen?' the manager asked. 
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Aberdeen.'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

  • Haha 2

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The other day I was having a discussion with the wife about modern day equality laws and she asked me how I viewed lesbian relationships. 

I replied "Preferably in HD dear". 

 

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The Prison Warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First, why did you revolt? Secondly: How did you get out of your cells?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is fucking dreadful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked.

The inmate replied, "The soup."

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14 minutes ago, fringo said:

The Prison Warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First, why did you revolt? Secondly: How did you get out of your cells?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is fucking dreadful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked.

The inmate replied, "The soup."

I opened up the TAMB and saw your wee frog. Before I opened Anything Goes I just knew you’d be telling a joke.

Fuck me that’s pish Fringo pal. 😂

  • Haha 1

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18 hours ago, Ormond said:

I opened up the TAMB and saw your wee frog. Before I opened Anything Goes I just knew you’d be telling a joke.

Fuck me that’s pish Fringo pal. 😂

Why thank you sir 😃

  • Haha 1

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13 minutes ago, DoonTheSlope said:

Q. What do you get if you cross a pirate and a peadophile?

A. Arrrr Kelly

Or Rolf Haaarrrris.

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The wife told me to go out and get  some of those pills that’ll get me an erection. 

I come back and gave her a packet of slimming pills.

She’s still no speaking. 😂

  • Haha 1

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Theresa May and Donald Trump standing in a pub with Theresa May's dog. A guy comes in to the pub and walks up to the dog and lifts it's tail up. The guy casually walks out. This happens a few times with different people.Theresa May say's "if this happens again i'm going to pull him up and ask what the fuck is going on". Another guy walks in to the pub and goes to lift the dog's tail. Theresa May pulls the guy's hand away and say's "your the 5th person to walk up to my dog and lift up it's tail,  what the hell is going on?" The guy said a "guy outside told me there was a dog in the pub with 2 arseholes."

 

 

  • Haha 1

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Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the antiques roadshow, a bit damp and tatty, from being up in his loft. 

The presenter seems very excited and says “these are two very rare breeds of a dog, do you have any idea what they would fetch in immaculate condition?”

Paddy looks at her for a minute and replied “Probably sticks”

  • Haha 2

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Celtic are drawing up a list of celtic minded replacements for Brendan Rodgers...

 

Police Scotland said the sex offenders list has never been used this way before....

  • Haha 3

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