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15 hours ago, fringo said:
My wife has packed her bags and gone – just because of my fetish with touching pasta.
I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

Since my wife left I've went a bit crazy.  I've bought a motorbike, got a tattoo and spent about 2 grand on coke and hookers.  She's going to go mad when she gets in from work.

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James Bond talking to Ulrika Johnson


James, what a lovely watch you're wearing.

Thank you Ulrika. This watch is state of the art, it tells me anything I need to know- time, dates, places with a direct link to MI5 and MI6. In fact, Ulrika it tells me that at this moment in time your not wearing any knickers under your dress!!

Your watch must be wrong James, I can assure you I do have knickers on under my dress.

Damn, phuckin' things an hour fast again!! 

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A couple, both age 78, went to an NHS sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from Bupa.

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