Willie Miller's tache Posted November 2, 2019 Share Posted November 2, 2019 Doctor: You’ve got to stop masturbating. Patient: But why?? Doctor: Because I’m trying to examine you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kumnio Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 On 11/2/2019 at 4:27 PM, dandydunn said: A Dundee lass goes for her first driving lesson. Instructor says to her “Now I know you’ve not dreved a car before, but do you know the basics? How many gears are there?” ”feve” she replies ”good, and what’s the speed limit on the motorway?” ”70” she tells him ”excellent, now where’s the horn?” for the final question She instantly replies ”On the road between dundee & Perth” cheeky cunt 😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fearghal O’Flaherty Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 My girlfriend spilt up with me after finding out what my mates used to call me in primary school John Venables Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 Spotting that I'd only eaten half my pizza, the waitress at Pizza Express asked me : Do you want a box for that ?" I replied : "No, but I'll wrestle you for it". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WCTA Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orraloon Posted November 10, 2019 Share Posted November 10, 2019 21 minutes ago, fringo said: A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.” Every time I hear that joke it reminds me of this Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irnbruman Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Got to go back to my favourite years sgo on here. I think my burd is havin an affair. Gavin from Autoglass came round to insert some resin intae her crack. Shes no even got a fuckin motor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 'My wife told me sex is better on holiday. That was not a nice postcard to receive!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daviebee Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 A couple of chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'd like some H2O." The second one says, "I'd like some H2O too." The second guy died. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WCTA Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 I’m just out of a Mexican fast food place for my denner scran today. There was a guy in front of me who looked exactly like George Michael. The wee Mexican lassie on the till asked him what he wanted with his burrito. He answered, "Well I guess it would be rice......." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 Brummie getting fitted up for a suit. Assistant asks him if he would like a kipper tie. "Yes please, 2 sugars". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 25, 2019 Share Posted November 25, 2019 A man enters a monastery and takes a vow of silence. This can only be broken every 10 years and then the monk can only say 2 words.After 10 years he is allowed to say his 2 words. He says, 'food, bad'. Another 10 years passes and he's allowed to say another 2 words. He says,'bed, hard'. Another 10 years go by. He's been there 30 years now. He's allowed to say 2 words again. He goes to the leader of the monks and says,'l quit'. The other monk replies, 'l'm not surprised. You've done nothing but complain since you've been here!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 29, 2019 Share Posted November 29, 2019 I've just been to see my doctor. "How can I help you?" he asked. I said, "I was chilling out this morning listening to 'In The Air Tonight' when suddenly my iPod accidentally slipped up my arse, now it's stuck." He looked at me with a puzzled face and said, "I've never heard that one before." I said, "It's a Phil Collins song." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 29, 2019 Share Posted November 29, 2019 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, a Kiwi, an Indonesian, an American, a German, a Peruvian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Tibetan, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, a Kazahk, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Ugandan, a Nigerian, a Frenchman, a Colombian, an Argentinian and a South African went to a night club. The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 29, 2019 Share Posted November 29, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrniaboc Posted November 30, 2019 Share Posted November 30, 2019 There's two ducks flying over Belfast. One goes "Quack! Quack!" and the other one goes "Listen mate, I'm goin' as quack as I fuckin' can!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WCTA Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 a guy calls into work and says, "I can't come in today, I'm seeing spots." "Have you seen a doctor?" "No, just the spots." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 Last one :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErsatzThistle Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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