Jump to content
andreimack

The Get It Off Your Chest Thread...

Recommended Posts

7 minutes ago, Orraloon said:

Wow, 10 kg is one heavy pair of boots. You going deep sea diving?

 

Quite possibly, blizzards are predicted and I am on Wizzair. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Took wee lass to a Wacky Warehouse for her 4th birthday party and we got 30 kids.  Greet most of the parents as they come in and give them the free light refreshment voucher – one of the dads says ‘oh I’m going just drop Dave and come back in about an hour if that’s ok?’  I agree and he is out of there before I can actually nail down which one of the hyperactive wee bastards is his.  No problem I think – I’ll just ask Mrs Whistle but she says she hasn’t got a clue either who Dave is but suggests Whistle Junior will know. 

 

Unfortunately Whistle Junior is up on level four of the climbing frame and showing no sign of coming down any time soon.  I have to drag my fat arse up the apparatus, through herds of mental sugar fuelled ‘rules of the jungle’ kids and finally catch mine swinging from the monkey branches - she reluctantly agrees to help me track down Dave. 

 

She’s like a ferret and trying to keep up with her through the tunnel, over the cargo net, under the rolling sausage things has me sweating like an absolute beast.  She’s well ahead and disappears around a corner when I hear her shout glaekit ‘Quick Dave my daddy is chasing you’.    

 

Before I can get around the corner they’re down the slide cackling like lunatics and all I can see is the back of a 3 foot Hulk disappearing to in to the distance.  ‘Fuck it’ thinks I – I’m just going sit here and wait for their return.  Unfortunately a fat, red faced man sitting uncomfortably at the top of the slide without an obvious kid of his own is not a great look and a couple of parents at the bottom were evidently wandering what I was up to.  Luckily Hulk turns up but wee lass has scarpered.  ‘Are you Dave’ I say in a voice that I am overly conscious of being a bit creepy. 

 

‘Sorry my dad says not to speak to strangers’ – which is a fair point but it takes me all my restraint not to tell him that’s all well and good until his dad fucked off to watch Liverpool v Man U leaving him in a room full of them but before we can get in to logical discussion he is tearing down the slide.  I launch myself after him in a manner that would be deemed out of control, reckless and a red card offence in current football parlance or a quick word that’s then rescinded on appeal if I played for the Old Firm. 

 

I get there just in time to wheezily point him out to my wife expecting a pat on the back for my efforts as try to avoid a potential cardiac arrest. To my surprise she says ‘That’s not Dave – he’s in the party hut having a drink’.  Feeling slightly uncomfortable I’d just chased the incorrect infant down a shoot because two kids turned up in a Hulk costume she compounds it by smugly telling me she knew who Dave was all along and just wanted to see my fat derriere struggle up the spongey ladder to get to level two. 

 

We’re about to argue the toss when the eponymous Dave comes over ‘Thistle Junior’s Dad – I need a poo’. 

 

I walk him to the toilet like a condemned man and as I see it I have four potential scenarios ahead of me:

  1. I get a request for a help to wipe with the single ply paper being all that is between my didgit and a four year old’s anus.

  2. I stand and watch a four year old wipe his arse and talk him through it oblivious to if anyone is listening outside.

  3. I hang about outside the cubicle and give general motivation chat or ask how he is getting on hoping nobody walks in.

  4. Leave him in the hope Dad turns up before he shits himself especially as the cuffs on his Hulk suit don’t look particularly jobby tight and if that streaks on the slide it’ll ruin it for everyone. 

 

Option C is obviously the best of a bad bunch and stand outside the cubicle but unfortunately ‘Junior’s Dad – I can’t get the suit off’.  So I’m in a toilet cubicle trying to unfasten his Hulk costume without looking and think I’ve got away with it when he says ‘Finished’ but unfortunately he means finished shitting so his knob is out and he’s expecting a wipe.  I’m not getting involved in that so decide it is his dad’s fault he’ll do home with an itchy arse; make sure he washes his hands though as I am not a total reprobate. 

 

Curveball – Dave’s mum turns up and she is proper proper fit.  I’m nervous around moderately attractive women so I’m looking like a prime gammon when a second EU referendum is announced on seeing her and the situation is compounded by Dave straight off the bat telling the now leading contender on the Cancer Mum Replacement List I watched him have a poo.  I got all flustered and told her he needed help taking his suit off and that I tried not to look but couldn’t help it!  Her looking at me really very shifty exacerbates the problem and all I can think to say is jokingly ‘He’ll make a girl very happy one day – like a baby holding an apple!’

 

And that your Honour is how I found myself in the position of having a sweaty red face, looking extremely dodgy whilst complimenting the sexual reproductive organ of a 4 year old in a public place.  Where do I sign and date the register?

 

 

  • Haha 3
  • Confused 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Other dads who, when you're trying to catch a bit of the football, take it upon themselves to make a show of 'helping' your kid right in front of your proper fit wife. 

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Christmas tele

Every year I buy the Christmas edition of the radio times and it’s the same pish, shite and onions year after year after year 

The Two Ronnies, Morecambe and Wise,  The Great Escape, Paul O’Grady, Shrek and all the game shows are celebrity specials 

When there is something half decent on there’s usually some cunt slavering a lot of nonsense “what’s he been in” “she’s deid now eh”

I can’t even enjoy TOTP on Christmas Day anymore because I’ve never heard of the fuckers. I’m at the age where all my favourite singers are either pulling 50 or their deid

Im not even going to get started on Hogmanay tele. Thank fuck for Jools Holland

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/24/2018 at 6:07 PM, DoonTheSlope said:

Morecambe and Wise,  The Great Escape, 
 

 

That's fucking herecy and requires a suspension at least

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

People who claim to be atheist who are all over Christmas, a festival to celebrate the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ, like damp up a wall

The same fuckers who mock and continually put down Christianity and it’s followers at any given opportunity

Hypocrites, nae, cunts of the highest order

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, DoonTheSlope said:

People who claim to be atheist who are all over Christmas, a festival to celebrate the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ, like damp up a wall

The same fuckers who mock and continually put down Christianity and it’s followers at any given opportunity

Hypocrites, nae, cunts of the highest order

One word

Pagans

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posters on forums who think they’re legal experts. If anyone doesn’t know what I mean then just read the racism threads (for example) on Hibs.Clique and JambosBareback trying to get people found guilty/not-guilty on technicalities 

Theres a reason why these fuckers are on a message board and not in a courtroom on a daily basis

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, DoonTheSlope said:

Posters on forums who think they’re legal experts. If anyone doesn’t know what I mean then just read the racism threads (for example) on Hibs.Clique and JambosBareback trying to get people found guilty/not-guilty on technicalities 

Theres a reason why these fuckers are on a message board and not in a courtroom on a daily basis

Isn't that Heart's forum where that whole "Khraegh" thing started about 10/11 years ago and spiralled out of control ?

Edited by ErsatzThistle

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, ErsatzThistle said:

Isn't that Heart's forum where that whole "Khraegh" thing started about 10/11 years ago and spiralled out of control ?

No idea

I read a bit of them both yesterday after the derby and the two racism threads had a lot point scoring “but they done this and sang that” on them 🤦🏻‍♂️

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/18/2018 at 2:23 PM, McTeeko said:

Quality story, but who calls their bairn ‘Dave’? 🙈

 

*Unless names have been changed to protect identity?*

There is a guy at my wee wans school called Brian....  Seriously  Brian  ...

 

there is also a Tristan, however thats a different story...

 

 

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My ex son in law is being an absolute fud where the gran weans are concerned, (Totally blanked them at Xmas, despite saying he would be up), so as I plan to do up the garden this year, I want to know what do you recommend, concrete and paving slabs or quick lime and paving slabs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Freezing rain. Driving with complete eesjits all around me in freezing rain. Cannae drive, stay aff the road. 🤔

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×