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Mps/failed Candidates You'd Love To Ride


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I’d love to saddle up Jim Murphy and ride him around every village or town he spouted shite in throughout the last eighteen months. I’d take his crate, and if he refused, would skelp his @rse with a ginger bottle until he mounted his customary platform. From there I would have him either proffer apologies for being the Uncle Bulgaria of Cock Wombles in scaring pensioners or shout useful public service messages such as ‘Fast n Furious 7 next showing at Vue in half an hour/ the 73 to Arbroath is delayed ten minutes/ Sandra’s just taken a batch of Steak Bakes out the oven at Greggs two doors down/etc’.

Once I’d broke him in I’d hand him over to Alex so he could triumphantly gallop him into the chambers of the Commons, much like Mongo riding the bull in on Blazing Saddles, but with a ‘No Thanks’ sign protruding from his rectum acting as a tail and the options branded on his arse being Mibbies Aye Mibbies Naw. Dismounting, Salmond could chuck his comedy large pink sombrero for one of the other Sexy 56 to catch whilst simultaneously kicking a ball of Murphy’s freshly curled sh!t in to the front row of Labour MP’s whose careers, and generally sole motivation, now resemble the bleak grey Northern English industrial conurbations they’ve failed for decades. From there he could look Cameron square in the eye with an expression of ‘Miss me bitch - I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I’m going to bring up the noncing enquiry when you least need it’ before he leads the Sexy 56 chorus line spontaneously in to song:

‘P.A.E.D.O;

P it was Parliamentary;

A it was Archbishops;

E it was Entertainers;

Dukes and Royals;

Oh oh oh

P you’re preventing;

A you’re avoiding;

E you’re evading;

D you’re in denial;

Oh oh oh

P.A.E.D.O.’

I realise it’s a pipedream but so was winning East Renfrewshire.

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I’d love to saddle up Jim Murphy and ride him around every village or town he spouted shite in throughout the last eighteen months. I’d take his crate, and if he refused, would skelp his @rse with a ginger bottle until he mounted his customary platform. From there I would have him either proffer apologies for being the Uncle Bulgaria of Cock Wombles in scaring pensioners or shout useful public service messages such as ‘Fast n Furious 7 next showing at Vue in half an hour/ the 73 to Arbroath is delayed ten minutes/ Sandra’s just taken a batch of Steak Bakes out the oven at Greggs two doors down/etc’.

Once I’d broke him in I’d hand him over to Alex so he could triumphantly gallop him into the chambers of the Commons, much like Mongo riding the bull in on Blazing Saddles, but with a ‘No Thanks’ sign protruding from his rectum acting as a tail and the options branded on his arse being Mibbies Aye Mibbies Naw. Dismounting, Salmond could chuck his comedy large pink sombrero for one of the other Sexy 56 to catch whilst simultaneously kicking a ball of Murphy’s freshly curled sh!t in to the front row of Labour MP’s whose careers, and generally sole motivation, now resemble the bleak grey Northern English industrial conurbations they’ve failed for decades. From there he could look Cameron square in the eye with an expression of ‘Miss me bitch - I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I’m going to bring up the noncing enquiry when you least need it’ before he leads the Sexy 56 chorus line spontaneously in to song:

‘P.A.E.D.O;

P it was Parliamentary;

A it was Archbishops;

E it was Entertainers;

Dukes and Royals;

Oh oh oh

P you’re preventing;

A you’re avoiding;

E you’re evading;

D you’re in denial;

Oh oh oh

P.A.E.D.O.’

I realise it’s a pipedream but so was winning East Renfrewshire.

Calm down Mhairi, I thought you'd been told about inappropriate Internet posting.

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